Feedback is uncomfortable for the giver and the receiver, but there are ways to make it less anxiety-inducing.
February 14, 2024
By Rachel Smith
We used to have a restaurant downtown that served Japanese street food. Since you don’t live in western North Carolina, you cannot properly appreciate how amazing it was that such a restaurant existed in our tiny town, population 7,614. In a county that’s too sparsely populated for a drive-through Starbucks, you can’t expect raw fish on any menus. But one day, majestically, there it was. For purely selfish reasons, my husband and I were invested in its success.
The location was great, the menu was amazing (if not 100% authentic), but the food was meh. We so wanted to like it. We went three times hoping it would improve. When it didn’t, we wondered whether we should say something. Did they really want our feedback?
The owner would ask the cursory, “How was everything?” but not in a way that made us think it was a real question. So, we never provided any valuable feedback. Sadly, less than five months after its majestic appearance, it permanently closed.
I don’t know that providing feedback on my sushi burrito would have saved the place but given the option between getting honest feedback and having to close, I have to think the owner would have rather heard some constructive criticism. So why didn’t he ask about uneaten food, specifically, and why weren’t we honest in our assessment? What makes getting and giving feedback so hard? Oh, right, it’s because…
In our review of David McRaney’s How Minds Change: the Surprising Science of Belief, Opinion, and Persuasion, we quoted cognitive neuroscientist Jonas Kaplan, who explained your brain’s response to social threats this way:
Remember that the brain’s first and primary job is to protect ourselves. That extends beyond the physical self, to our psychological self. Once these things [beliefs, attitudes, and values] become part of our psychological self, they are then afforded all the same protections as the brain gives the body.
When someone gives you negative feedback, even if they are doing it with good intentions, your brain sees it as social rejection. Brain scans have revealed that the same areas of the brain are activated due to a social threat as are due to a physical threat. Your fight, flight, or freeze response kicks in.
Studies have revealed that it’s not just the recipient of the feedback that goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode. People giving feedback feel just as threatened as those receiving it. This makes sense as the negative social implications could go either way. What if the recipient responds poorly and doesn’t like me anymore? What if the recipient rejects my feedback altogether?
In a PwC Strategy + Business article, authors David Rock, Beth Jones, and Chris Weller liken cognitive dissonance and the resulting rejection of criticism as mentally fleeing the scene. To your caveman brain, being criticized feels like being attacked by a blood-thirsty (although, unbeknownst to you, equally terrified) predator.
Despite how much we fear it, most of us still want feedback. A 2022 survey conducted by Eagle Hill Consulting found that 63% of employees claim to want more frequent, immediate feedback. The number is even higher when you look at millennial workers. Annual reviews are not enough anymore.
So, we hate feedback, but we also want and need it. What can we do? Whether you’re seeking feedback from managers, direct reports, colleagues, or clients, here are some suggestions for making it less heart-rate escalating.
Ask for It
Let people know that you want and expect critical feedback. This is the key to reducing the threat response for both the giver and the receiver. When you ask for feedback, it puts you in charge of the conversation, giving you agency rather than feeling like you’re being attacked. The giver of feedback also worries less about how you’ll react since you’re the one who invited the engagement.
Be Specific
Colin Bates, Principal Learning and Design Specialist for global analytics firm SAS, provides a great step-by-step guide on asking for feedback (complete with email templates). I was surprised to see that he modeled both generic and specific requests for feedback. A specific request might be something like, “I’m trying not to say ‘um’ as much during client calls. Could you make note of how I do at our next meeting and we can touch base afterwards?” On the other hand, a generic ask could be, “After the meeting I’d like to get some feedback from you on one thing I did well and one thing I can work on.”
What do you notice about the generic request? It’s still pretty specific. Even though it doesn’t focus on a particular skill you’re looking to improve, you’re letting someone know the event you want feedback on (a meeting) and what form you want it in (one good move and one to work on). Never simply ask someone, “Hey, how am I doing?”
Assume Good Intentions
If someone doesn’t want you to succeed, they probably wouldn’t be giving you feedback in the first place. Your natural response will be to get defensive. Take a breath, slow down, say ‘thank you,’ and ask clarifying questions if needed.
Address the Fact That It’s Hard Head-On
Letting others know that you understand you’re asking for something that’s uncomfortable will help them feel less uncomfortable. Tell people, as an HBR article on giving feedback is aptly titled, “Don’t be nice; be helpful.”
Don’t Put People on the Spot
You’re much more likely to go into fight-or-flight mode if giving feedback is suddenly thrust upon you. Let people know that you want to get feedback from them. Schedule a time for it. It will make the experience much less anxiety-inducing for them.
Do It Early and Often
If you want feedback on how you made your pitch, be sure to solicit the feedback soon after you deliver your pitch. Others will have it fresh in their minds and can give you better insights. In order for giving and receiving feedback to become less stressful, it has to become the norm. The more you give and get feedback, the more comfortable you’ll be doing it. It’s no longer a tiger attacking you. You just have a cool pet tiger who’s there all the time and everyone is used to him.
The idea that taking a common object and making it pink makes it “for women” is funny. Just as the makers of the BIC for Her fashion retractable ball-point pen discovered. Just read this review posted by “MagaGold.”
Great but had to explain the concept of writing.
After removing the pens from the woman-proof packaging for her, a little mansplaining on the concept of writing, my wife can now write her shopping list on paper, like God intended.
Obviously, just like pens, feedback for women is the same as feedback for men. Except that it is disappointingly not. Research done by HBR in 2016 showed some disturbing trends. Overall, women were systematically less likely to get specific feedback tied to outcomes. More specifically, the study found:
The article sharing the data included some tips for evening things out—systematically tie negative and positive feedback to business goals and outcomes, equalize references to technical accomplishments and capabilities—in other words, provide feedback equally. I hope in the eight years since the research was done that this has improved.
Feedback is important. Employees who get regular feedback are more likely to report being motivated to do outstanding work and are more engaged. At Maestro Group, when we provide feedback to each other and to our clients, we like to do so in the form of “I likes” and “I wishes.” I like that asking for feedback makes me feel more in control and avoids the sensation that I’m being stalked by a tiger. I like that I get feedback often to help me continually improve. I wish you had not asked me to smile more and be less aggressive. I wish I had not stabbed you with my pink pen.
Providing immediately usable feedback is a big part of Maestro engagements. Reach out to us at mastery@maestrogroup.co if you’re interested in learning more.
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