Not Without My Octopodes

“Know what’s grosser than picking up dog poop?” That was the sentence I fought over with the NC Department of Environmental Quality’s (DEQ) communications staff. I worked for the DEQ at the time, and it was my job to teach the public about water quality.

Them: Grosser isn’t a word, unless you’re talking about a movie grossing money.
Me: I know that, but this is how someone would say it in conversation.
Them: Why not put, “Do you know what’s more gross than…?”
Me: Because that’s too long, and it doesn’t catch people’s attention in the same way, [under my breath] and it’s stupid.
Them: What?
Me: What?

Yes, I used to teach people about dog poop. And yes, I had to fight with people about the wording around dog poop. And yes, I got my way. There was a time in North Carolina when these lovely signs could be seen at highway rest stops, state and local parks, and nature centers. You will still occasionally find a faded one at a park with no money for new signs.

I love to write and edit writing, and I do get unreasonably upset when people misuse hyphens and dashes; however, understanding and impact have always been most important to me. According to Anne Curzan, author of Says Who? A Kinder, Funner Usage Guide for Everyone Who Cares About Words, that means my inner wordie is stronger than my inner grammando.

LANGUAGE IS NOT NEUTRAL

Curzan explains that “grammandos” are the people who constantly correct others’ linguistic mistakes (often publicly), while “wordies” know the language rules and where they come from, and then they make informed calls about whether or not to follow the rule in a given context.” If you’re a wordie, Curzan’s book is a must-read.

I realize that Maestro’s blog is not aimed at the wordie audience, but I think this book is still worth sharing with you. It encapsulates how we at Maestro approach writing, editing, and messaging for our clients. While we have an inner grammando, it’s our inner wordie that usually wins the argument. If the idea of bending grammar rules makes you uneasy, just remember that without a willingness to bend, slogans like Apple’s “Think Different” would never have been created. “Think Differently,” while grammatically superior, does not have the same impact.

Curzan makes a point of reminding us that, just because something is considered grammatically correct today doesn’t mean it’s always been that way, nor does it mean it will always be that way. Even more important, she tells readers to abandon the notion that language is neutral. Just as history is written by the victors, language rules are dictated by those with power. Or, as Curzan writes, “Standardized English is not the parent with lots of offspring varieties. It is a sibling, with lots of siblings. And it is the sibling that got picked out by speakers with social, political, and economic power to be the one whose habits get recorded as a model for the other siblings.”

MOST OF THIS IS NOT NEW

I like the sibling vs. parent designation because I think we often think of our language rules as correct and changes made as new and wrong. Curzan makes it clear that English is constantly changing and has always been changing. Many language mistakes we consider contemporary have been made for hundreds of years, and some of these mistakes are actually closer to the original derivation.

It’s Literally Been Going on Forever
People have literally been saying literally when they mean figuratively for at least two hundred years. Authors, including Mark Twain and Louisa May Alcott, used it that way in the 1800s.

You Was Once a They
Can “they” be singular? As in, can you ask, “Should a person wash their hair every day?” There are those who insist you should write this as, “Should a person wash his or her hair every day?” “They” is a plural pronoun, and “his” and “her” are its singular counterparts. Did you know that “you” was once a plural-only pronoun? Its singular counterpart was thou. “Thou should wash thine hair every day?” I don’t think so.

Irregardless Hasn’t Been a Word Since 1795
“Irregardless” is not a word. The correct word is “regardless.” “Irregardless” happens when people blend “regardless” with “irrespective.” It’s wrong. And it’s been happening since at least 1795. If people have been accidentally using this word for 225 years, maybe we should just make it a word.

Everyone Used to “Aks” Questions
The word “ask,” in Old English, had two forms—ascian and acsian. There is some data suggesting that acsian is older. Geoffrey Chaucer, often called the father of English literature, used both “ask” and “aks” in his writing. “Ask” eventually became standardized, but, as Curzan writes, “The social stigma that has been ferociously attached to “aks” is socially constructed, rather than linguistically motivated.”

More Than One Octopus
Many of us have been taught that the plural of octopus is “octopi.” While this would be the plural if octopus was of Latin origin, octopus is borrowed from Greek. Following Greek pluralization, more than one octopus should be written as “octopodes.” Why are we not saying octopodes?! Nothing sounds cuter, except maybe the plural of the Greek-borrowed platypus. PLATYPODES!

THE POINT OF WRITING

So, what’s more important to you—being right or being understood? You might be asking, “Isn’t it possible to be both?” I think the answer is that, at some point, we’re all forced to pick a side. Curzan quotes an article from George Gopen and Judith Swan in which they wrote, “Complexity of thought need not lead to impenetrability of expression.” Curzan goes on to write, “We have the power to shape our sentences in ways that can convey complex ideas with readable, accessible grammar.”

Curzan also writes that “punctuation is about helping readers not get distracted from the content of the text.” She acknowledges that sometimes this means following your aesthetic preferences when a word looks odd without a hyphen.

Our job at Maestro is to help you sell more, faster. That means, even though we may be huge grammar nerds, getting your message across clearly, quickly, and in a way that’s authentic to your brand are the most important things. If those are your number-one messaging goals as well, you and Maestro’s writing team will get along swimmingly.

So, let’s embrace our inner wordies, marvel at the amazing journey of the English language, encourage people to use the word platypodes whenever possible, and pick up after our dogs even though it’s the grossest.

If you’re looking for some word nerds to help you get your message across clearly and quickly, you can find us at mastery@maestrogroup.co