Taking Your Body Language Online

Here’s a car-buying hack. Go test drive cars when you’re nine-months pregnant. When you go for the test drive, let the salesperson know that if you go into labor, you’re going straight to the hospital without returning the car. It gives you the upper hand. And when the sales manager closes in, fake a stomach pain, and get out.

At least that’s how it was supposed to work, but it didn’t, because I’m too nice. Instead, I had conversations like this every time my husband and I left a dealership.

Husband: Why do you keep engaging with the sales manager??
Me: I didn’t want to make him feel bad.
Husband: But we’re not buying that car.
Me: I know.
Husband: And he’s trying to sell you that car.
Me: I know.
Husband: And we have the best excuse ever to leave.
Me: I know.
Husband:
Me: I didn’t want to make him feel bad.

All of this to say, I want everyone to feel heard and appreciated and listened to. I want this to a fault. So, I was so excited to read Digital Body Language by Erica Dhawan. I was ready to learn tips and tricks for getting people to feel heard over Slack and text messages and email. I was psyched to read about the research on why we react in certain ways on specific communication channels and how to use this information to communicate in better ways. This book was going to be my jam.

Was it interesting? Yes. Did it share some helpful tips and resources? Yes. Would I recommend you all read it? People who hate making anybody feel bad do not make good book reviewers.

THE LAWS OF DIGITAL BODY LANGUAGE

“Our failure to grapple with the communication-altering side effects of our shiny new digital tools—email, text messaging, PowerPoint, Zoom—created widespread misunderstanding and conflict, which in turn manifested as across-the-board anxiety, fear, distrust, and paranoia.”

This is why Dhawan wrote this book and does what she does. Not only do we have all these new tools, but COVID forced many people to use them more than they would have otherwise, and now we’re all confused. Did your boss’s “thanks for your help” really mean thank you, or was it meant to be sarcastic because she doesn’t like the report you handed in?

As we’ve covered this month, there are all kinds of communication beyond the actual words we use. When we only have words to go by (like in an email or text) it can leave the reader unsure about the meaning. And that’s where digital body language comes in. 

Digital body language is what we can use in our written messages and even in video meetings that replaces physical body language and vocal cues normally used to get our meaning across. It could be punctuation, emojis, not multitasking while in a Zoom meeting, or how quickly we respond.

Dhawan sets forth four laws of digital body language—value visibly, communicate carefully, collaborate confidently, and trust totally. Value visibly means letting others know that you understand and appreciate them. You are sensitive to their needs and schedules. As Dhawan writes, “reading emails with care and attention is the new art of listening.”

Communicate carefully refers to being clear in order to avoid misunderstanding and misinterpretation. Don’t value brevity over clearly articulating what you expect from someone. Collaborate confidently means feeling free to speak out and take risks because you know that others support you.

Trust totally is the final law, but it relies on the previous three. Trusting totally means knowing that others will tell the truth, keep their word, and honor their commitments. It also means that, rather than wondering if someone’s message was meant sarcastically, you give them the benefit of the doubt because you have faith in your organization. 

If these laws sound vague to you, they sounded vague to me as well. There were a lot of examples provided throughout Dhawan’s book, but I felt like, more than improving one’s digital body language, the problems presented were solved through increased communication and empathy.

FINE, WHATEVER, CALL ME PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE

In part two of the book, Dhawan writes that the four most anxiety-producing types of digital body language are brevity, passive-aggressiveness, slow responses, and formality. This is the portion in which I found myself disagreeing with her outright.

At Maestro, we’re big fans of the bump email. “Just bumping this to the top of your inbox.” It’s useful within a cold-outreach sales cadence, but it’s also helpful when working with team members. We’re all busy, and I appreciate helpful reminders from coworkers.

Someone might bump something to the top of my inbox because I left town right after it was sent and may have missed it upon my return. I might send someone a bump email because I know that it will save them from having to search through all their old emails to address something. I am pro-bump. Dhawan, however, classifies the bump email as being passive-aggressive.

What else does she classify as passive-aggressive? “Just so we’re all on the same page.” She sees it as a way of saying, “I’m covering my own ass and making it clear to everyone that I’m right.” That’s not how I see it. “Just so we’re all on the same page” is my way of making sure I understand you and am going to deliver what you expect. I’m covering everyone’s ass, not just my own.

Who determines what’s passive-aggressive? What’s going on here? It’s possible that Maestro is such a “trust totally” organization that none of us receive these messages as being passive-aggressive. It’s also possible that I’m a passive-aggressive, covertly narcissistic, horrible person. (I am now going to dwell on this and worry that I have offended someone because I am unknowingly an antagonistic asshat.)

SUGARCOATED LADY LANGUAGE

Despite my disagreements, I found that Digital Body Language did include some great communication tips I plan on adopting. I thought Dhawan’s suggestions for writing clearer emails were great. She advises specifying either in the first line or right in the subject whether the message is meant as an FYI, a decision request, or a request for information. She also recommends that in long emails, one should include a summary section and a details section.

Dhawan also brought my attention to some writers and resources I want to explore. Zapier’s The Ultimate Guide to Remote Work, for example, is full of tools and information to help organizations communicate better.

My favorite section of the book is the third, in which Dhawan covers differences in digital body language that are impacted by gender, generation, and culture. Her quote from Canadian author and journalist Elizabeth Plank resonated with me.

“When I have to ask someone to do something, I feel like I need to sugarcoat it with my lady language (!!!, emojis, GIFs) so I don’t come off as shrill, bitchy, or any other stereotype against women.”

Yes, that. 100% that. I also learned the term for what I know I shouldn’t do but can’t seem to stop—hedging language. Phrases like “I think” and “but I’m not sure” when in fact you know and are completely sure. Not only do I use hedging language, but I tend to use nearly all the examples given in one sentence.

There’s even an email add-on shared in the book that will help you identify hedging language as you type called Just Not Sorry. I thought it was a cool idea but have also seen articles against it arguing that women should not have to change the way they speak.

Honestly, while I enjoyed the book, it left me with more uncertainty and questions than I had before I read it. Can I honestly recommend it as a book you have to read? Sorry, but I just think that maybe it’s not on my must-read list, but I could totally be wrong. Sorry. If you need me, I’ll be contemplating whether I inadvertently offended the UPS driver this morning because I am, in fact, a selfish egomaniac.

Could you or your team use a sales communication refresher? Contact us at mastery@maestrogroup.co for information on workshops and consulting.