Questioning Your Conversations

In 2019, my husband and I moved into our custom-built home. If you ask me today, “What was your experience like with your builder?” or “How was it having a house built?” I will tell you all good things. If, however, you were to ask, “Do you feel like your builder kept you in the loop?” or “What was your budget versus what you actually spent?” you would get a very different answer.

Getting the information you need as a sales professional isn’t just about asking questions—it’s about asking the right kinds of questions in the right order. Sometimes when we work with clients there is a reticence to ask certain questions. “Prospects don’t want to tell me about their problems right away,” is often what we hear. People fear being seen as too forward or even nosy, but the science around how people react to questions tells us that these fears are unfounded.

Let’s take a look at what the research says. How are people viewed when they do or don’t ask questions? What kinds of questions do we like to be asked? What happens in our brains when we answer questions, and why does the order of questions matter? As a sales professional, the science is on your side. We humans love to talk about ourselves and enjoy deep conversations with strangers. In short, we want nothing more than to talk about our problems with people we hardly know.

ASK ME ABOUT MYSELF—NOW DO IT AGAIN

Research conducted at Harvard has shown that individuals that ask more questions in a conversation are seen as more likeable. What’s more, those who were deemed most likeable were the ones that asked more follow-up questions. Follow-up questions show a level of attentiveness that people appreciate.

Huang and her team say in their study, “Although most adults have decades of experience conversing with others, our data suggest that people often fail to engage in behaviors that will help them make the most positive impression. Whereas prior data demonstrate that people tend to talk about themselves, our results suggest this may not be an optimal strategy.” That is science-speak for, “For the love of god, please shut up.”

If you read our blog, “Confessions of a Recovering Overtalker,” you’ll know why most people tend to talk about themselves—it feels good. Really good, according to the research. Diana I. Tamir and Jason P. Mitchell found that self-disclosure (i.e., blabbing about yourself) activates the region of the brain that forms the mesolimbic dopamine system. Dopamine is known as the “feel-good” hormone.

It’s not just talking about yourself that feels so good—it’s knowing that someone else is listening. Study participants were willing to forego money in order to privately examine their opinions. When they knew their thoughts would be shared with someone else, they would forego even more money. If you ever wondered why people share their entire lives on Facebook, now you know.

If it sounds odd to you that someone is willing to disclose information about themselves with a stranger, you’re not alone. Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that people overestimate how awkward it will be to speak with strangers about profound topics. After having a deep conversation with a stranger, however, people report greater-than-anticipated enjoyment of the conversation and a stronger sense of connection. Most people don’t think they want to have meaningful conversations with strangers, but it turns out, most people are wrong.

FEELINGS FIRST, THEN THOUGHTS

We talk a lot about binary versus open-ended questions, but what about differentiating between general, thought-provoking and specific, feeling-provoking questions? We know that humans tend to make buying decisions based on emotion, even if they then later logically rationalize the decision. The trick is knowing which questions do a better job of tapping into emotion and asking those questions first.

The questions about building my house are a perfect example of this. “How was it having a house built?” is a high-level question, and as such, is more difficult to answer. It gets me thinking, I like living in my house. I’m glad we did it. “Sure, having a house built was great.”

Compare that to a much more specific question like, “Do you feel like the builder kept you in the loop?” Not really! I expected to move into my house by the end of September, because that’s what I was told by the builder. I even packed up all of my kids’ winter clothing. I had to unpack all of that clothing because we did not move in until December!

If I sound mad, it’s because I am mad. That specific question about a specific pain point puts me right back into the situation I experienced. If you ask about whether I was kept in the loop first, and then ask the more general question of, “How was it having a house built?” my answer will now contain a lot more anger about the amount of time it took. Same question; different answer. Why?

Daniel Kahneman calls it the “substitution heuristic.” When your brain is presented with a vague, non-specific question, it naturally looks for an easier-to-answer question based on the one being asked. And that is great news if you’re in sales.

Instead of asking how your prospect is getting along with their current solution first, ask a more specific question about something you know their current solution doesn’t do. “How does your current solution incorporate information from your CRM?” Now they are off on a tirade about how it has to all be done manually because there’s no way to connect their current solution to their CRM. Now, when you follow up with, “How are you getting along with your current solution?” their pain is top-of-mind.

SORRY, I WASN’T PAYING ATTENTION

So far, all of the research we’ve presented can be easily used to the advantage of sales professionals. But problems loom ahead. You’ve asked your great questions, you’ve asked some follow-up questions, and you’ve ordered your questions in such a way as to evoke your prospect’s emotions. Now you are listening to your prospect answer the question…except you’re not. You’re horrible at listening.

Please don’t take offense. We are all horrible at listening. In the words of Huang et al., “Although most adults have decades of experience conversing with others…” we’re not that great at it. While over 90 percent of people think they are good listeners, the research says we only retain about 20 to 40 percent of what others say.

Most people speak at about 150 words per minute, but our brains think at about 400 words per minute. That means when someone is talking, 250 words per minute worth of your attention is doing something other than listening to the conversation.

Plus, consider the fact that it takes 600 milliseconds to choose a single word from memory. Full sentences can require 1,500 milliseconds. When people talk to each other, the typical time gap between speakers taking turns is only 200 milliseconds. There’s a range, of course, but it goes from seven milliseconds (Japan) to 469 milliseconds (Denmark). These numbers make it obvious that we are planning our response while the other person is talking—we have to.

I’ve heard people say, “Don’t listen to respond. Listen to understand.” I get it. It’s a beautiful sentiment, but do you think it’s plausible? I just don’t know that the human brain is capable of that. What do you think?

I’m pausing now for you to formulate your sentence. Now we’re all uncomfortable because of the awkward silence that’s 7.5 times as long as you’re used to. See, it gets weird fast.

Next week we’ll explore how we can (and whether we can) be better listeners—and whether it matters.

Do you want to learn more about asking good questions? We’ve got a course for that! Reach out at mastery@maestrogroup.co.